Why Parenting Sometimes Hurts — and How to Move Forward
Parenting can be full of joy, but it can also bring grief in ways that are hard to talk about. Many parents feel sadness, guilt, or even a sense of loss — not because their child is gone, but because the future they imagined for their child looks very different than expected.
This isn’t something we talk about enough. That’s why I invited Dr. Randy Hirschberg, a psychologist who has worked with countless families, onto the Parenting Pivot podcast to explore these emotions and share ways to move forward.
The First Shock: Grief and Guilt
When parents first realize their child’s path is going to be different, the feelings can be overwhelming. Some go into “overdrive,” researching every possible option. Others freeze, unable to take the first step.
And nearly all experience grief. Sometimes it feels like sadness in the pit of your stomach. Sometimes it looks like denial, regret, or searching for someone (or something) to blame. As Dr. Hirschberg explained, that search for blame often comes from love — and from a need to feel in control when everything feels out of control.
I know that feeling. For me, it was heartbreaking to let go of the future I had pictured. School, friendships, independence — the roadmap we thought we had was suddenly gone. There was also guilt, questioning whether I had done something wrong. Over time, though, I learned to see the beauty in my child’s unique journey: milestones that are hard-won, and joy that is deeper than I ever imagined.
Ambiguous Loss: Naming the Feeling
Dr. Hirschberg introduced a concept called ambiguous loss. It’s the grief that comes not from death, but from losing the dream of what we thought life would look like.
Parents might grieve not hearing “I love you” from a nonverbal child, or letting go of the idea of sports, certain schools, or big birthday parties. Others may find themselves splitting family activities in ways they never expected.
Naming that feeling as ambiguous loss doesn’t make it easier overnight — but it helps parents know they’re not alone, and that what they’re experiencing is real.
Moving Past the Fix-It Mindset
As a dad, my instinct is always to fix things. But I’ve learned that with my child, “fixing” isn’t always possible — or even helpful.
Dr. Hirschberg explained that the fix-it mindset often comes from avoiding grief. It can also send the harmful message that a child is broken, when in fact they are simply different. Instead, what helps is:
Finding neurodiverse-affirming communities.
Listening to therapists and teachers who bring perspective.
Supporting growth at a child’s own pace — challenging them without overwhelming them.
Finding Joy on a Different Path
Even in the hardest circumstances, many parents eventually find joy. Sometimes it’s watching a child’s delight in something small, or admiring the determination it takes for them to achieve what others take for granted.
As one parent shared during the episode: “She’s not broken. It’s the system that’s broken. She knows how hard you’re fighting for her, and she knows she’s safe.”
That perspective — of resilience, safety, and deep connection — is what allows parents to move from grief into a new kind of hope.
One Small Step You Can Take Today
Dr. Hirschberg’s advice: don’t try to solve everything at once. Instead, take one small step today.
Join a support group.
Reach out to a therapist who understands neurodiversity.
Or pick up a book that speaks to your child’s specific challenges.
Healing begins in connection — with other parents, with professionals, and with your child.
Watch or Listen to the Full Conversation
This post only scratches the surface of our conversation. If you’d like to go deeper, you can watch or listen to the full episode here:
